Hollywood Calling
Written by Rod Barker on January 14th, 2009There is a dramatic moment in the famous movie “Citizen Kane” when actor Orson Wells loses his temper and goes on a destructive rampage, destroying a world-class art collection. I was reminded of this scene the other day when I received a phone call from a representative of a major film studio.
For some time I have entertained the idea that one day an animated film featuring Painted Ponies would appear in a theater near you. Over the years, people have said it is only a matter of time before one is made, so my first reaction, after the gentleman on the line identified himself, was that maybe this was Hollywood calling.
The conversation began with compliments about the Painted Ponies and how a number of people in the studio were Painted Pony collectors. Their favorites, he said, were the Native-themed figurines. My response was that the Native Ponies were the most popular figurines with collectors around the country, after which I was informed that indeed this was why the filmmakers were considering using Painted Ponies in a film that was currently in pre-production… with my permission, of course.
He had my attention, and I listened closely as he went on to describe a specific scene in the film that, as currently imagined by the filmmakers, had a group of people traveling across the country and stopping at a trading post on an Indian Reservation where a fight breaks out and a shelf colorfully stocked with Painted Pony figurines is smashed to smithereens.
Now of course I would have preferred to hear that this was a remake of “Citizen Kane,” which annually tops the critics list as the best American film ever made, and that the script had been updated so the character Orson Wells was playing, who was modeled after the media-mogul and millionaire William Randolph Hearst, had fallen in love with Painted Ponies and wanted to add them to his art collection. But “What the hey?” I found myself thinking. A minor role in a major film was better than nothing, and I knew companies paid big bucks for product placements like this.
I was even thinking how the ceramic Ponies would break up more sensationally than the resin Ponies when the gentleman on the phone let me in on a plot detail. The name of the movie was “Zombieland,” and the characters making dust of the Painted Ponies were on the run from flesh-eating Zombies.
I’m not kidding. I wouldn’t make this stuff up.
At this point I wasn’t sure what to say or think, and sensing my indecision the fellow on the phone offered to send me the section in the script that described the scene. After that, I could make up my mind.
Fair enough, I thought, looking forward to the email that would elaborate on this opportunity for Painted Ponies to make it to the silver screen.
Within two days I received a letter that described the tentatively entitled “Zombieland” as a “comedic horror film (that) revolves around a mismatched pair of survivors in a world overrun by zombies.” The lead actor, according to the letter, was going to be Woody Harrelson.
Next paragraph: “One sequence involves the main characters stopping at a Native American gift shop named Kemo Sabe’s Trading Post, where the intense stress of surviving in a zombie-filled world manifests itself in a cathartic act of destruction, with our heroes breaking or destroying everything in the store in something akin to a playful food fight. The production would like permission to show (and creatively destroy) original and/or replica Trail of Painted Ponies figurines as part of this montage.”
There was a frown on my face when I turned to the “relevant script pages that are enclosed for your perusal.”
It’s impossible now for me to remember what I expected to read. The memory was obliterated by the blast from Woody’s shotgun that explodes the zombie shopkeeper’s head like a balloon, after which Woody and his pals storm into the Kemo Sabe Trading Post where, appalled by “God-awful antiques and tchotchkes… Elvis stained-glass table lamps, Greek statues, crystal chandeliers, cuckoo clocks, etc” , they go berserk, smashing everything in sight. “It’s one part screw-the-crappy-world catharsis, one part giddy destructive joy,” the script reads, as Woody sits on a saddle, lassoes a cigar store Indian and tugs it over, while his pal shoots arrows into mannequins.
Shelves are toppled like dominoes, and after the entire store has been reduced to a pile of debris, Woody and company “admire the sight,” then head for the door, leaving some cash on the counter to compensate for the mess.
I flipped back to the cover letter and reread this line: “In the event this meets with your approval and you are able to assist us with materials, we would appreciate having these materials shipped to….” I was even being asked to “donate” the Painted Pony figurines to this cinematic sacrifice.
Dear readers, I am going to pause here for a moment. And for the fun of it, before I print what I wrote in response, I am going to invite you, our loyal Painted Pony collectors, to take a moment and succinctly tell us what you would have written. (No expletives please).
15
AM
The wording of the movie alone “God awful antiques”,would have immediately got my hackles up. In referring to everything in the shop as that, if you had agreed to supply a stock of ponies to be smashed up for the fun of it then you would have been consenting to their referral of the ponies as God awful. I can certainly imagine your response to the movie maker. Of course you told him sorry but you can’t do it.
The ponies have already made it onto dvd in the documentary that was done on them and this something that the TOPP can be proud of. Us collectors who love the ponies undoubtedly love this dvd and can see the ponies on our big screens whenever we want to. We don’t need Hollywood to boost their popularity, as in our eyes they are beautiful - all of us collectors can look and admire our own collections everyday.
Who on earth anyway would want to go and see a substandard movie called Zombieland? The title alone of the movie turns me off.
So you probably wrote the producer a Dear John letter, expressing your dismay at the idea that they could ever want to smash something quite as beautiful and precious as the ponies. Of course you also told him how each and every artist put their heart and soul into each design. Though just ceramic or resin these figurines are priceless to the collectors of them. That collectors would abhor the very thought of one of the figurines being smashed just for the senseless fun of it.
I hope you told him to find something else to smash.
15
AM
While I am sure that you responded in a very nice controlled businesslike manner, I am afraid that I can’t possibly post what I would have replied to him.
15
AM
The senseless destruction of art for the profiteers of Hollywood doesn’t sit well with me. The unneeded and senseless destruction of these pieces of art as a backdrop for a movie set irks me to no end and I can’t believe someone would even suggest such a thing. These figurines are treasured by those people whose lives they have touched. Whatever reason they treasure and enjoy these pieces of art, they are not disposable “God awful antigues” and never will be. I think it gives the wrong opinion of these figurines and would only work to devalue not only all the hard work and creativity that has gone in them on many levels (adminsitratively to artistically) to a trasured collectable. I would hope if you were ever to “donate” figurines for the benefit of anything it would for people to as you say on your boxes to: “Discover the Beauty and Wonder of the Trail of Painted Ponies”. Of all the emotions that these ponies evoke in people, I wouldn’t think that the emotions evoked by such a movie would be ones that the Trail would be supportive of. For people that have never seen Painted Ponies, I don’t think this would be a good way to introduce them. I think Thanks but No Thanks is all that needs to said to a person with such substandard ideals for the appreciation of art in its finest form of pony expressionism.
15
AM
One word comes to my mind..
“Sacrilege”
Fab
15
PM
The response should have been
“I’m afraid that the PoniePals of the world would unite and everyone involved with the making of “Zombieland” would fear for their lives, after the PoniePals witnessed the ponies that they value so highly smashed to smitherines. Even the Zombies themselves would be terrified. Some would be hung in the streets, some would be stabbed by broken spears, and broken ponie parts would cut them up.
I think your movie career would end permanently, there wouldn’t be much left of you.”
PoniePals have Ponie Power.
17
AM
lol Jan may be onto something… I would counter offer with the script; Jan can write it, you can be the Producer.
17
PM
They don’t even deserve a reply —
DELETE button please!!
19
AM
If this was brought to your attention by a fan and possible collector of Painted Ponies, I hate to think what they would do to things they dislike.
I think I would have to say thank you for considering using painted ponies in your feature but I’m afraid they will be unable to assist you in your indevour. Since native american ponies do not wish to be made part of a massacre similar to those displayed in the old cowboy picture shows of the 1950s.
19
PM
While I DO like a horror movie on occasion, this would definitely be HORROR! That so called gentleman that contacted you should be hung by his toes until his face turns red and he repeats “Painted Ponies” 100 times without passing out! These ponies are ART and somewhat expensive at times for the collector. I hope you gave him the holy heck!
19
PM
I am a recent victom of breast cancer!I collect the painted ponys and would like to see a pony designed to repesent all of the Women around the world who are battling with breast cancer, so that We will all be remembered and that our fight goes on!!!!Thank you Constance Connor
19
PM
Based on what the plot of the movie is going to be, i myself would not waste any moeny even seeing the movie therefore this letter would have met with the shredder, I would not even have bothered to respond to the letter.
In regards to Contance Connor’s letter re a ponie for breast cancer, I have never suffered from breast cancer nor do I know anyone at this point in my life who has suffered from this awful illness but in New Zealand it is a major issue and I for one would be one of the first people to buy one of these ponies! Maybe this is something that Breast Cancer Associations could sell worldwide to raise money.
20
AM
There was a person who was doing Breast cancer custom ponies and selling them on Ebay at one stage this was well over a year ago.
You never know she just may do some more and list them if the TOPP do not release one.
20
AM
Hollywood Calling …
“Zombieland”
Let the answer machine get it,
then hit “ERASE” button.
My husband & kids would love it though I have to admit. *LOL*
Can’t wait to read your reply Rod!
Charlotte Mandle
Taylor Ridge, IL.
20
AM
I would write Mr. Hollywood and tell him that you will cooperate as long as they do a script rewrite. Then I would say, if they insist on doing a smash job on Painted Ponies, then it should go like this: Woody Harrelson sees a shelf full of Painted Ponies and his eyes light up. He walks over and starts lifting them up one by one, checking out the numbers on the bottom. He tosses several over his shoulder and they crash spectacularly on the floor. Suddenly he lets out a cheer and we see that he has discovered a War Pony numbered 1E. Carefully, he puts it in his coat pocket. After the trading post is levelled and he and his friends get back in their car, he takes out the War Pony and places it on the dashboard like a St. Christopher statue that will protect him from zombies.
20
PM
Paul I love your rewrite maybe you should be working for Hollywood.
24
PM
I think destroying these beautiful ponies for a movie scene is an insult to the artists who created them and to the people like myself who collect and love these beautiful ponies.Can’t wait for the trailmasters answer!!!
29
PM
Since I consider my collection to be irreplaceable, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to destroy them. Be gentle to Hollywood, we all know they are about a bubble off!!!
Constance and I share the same breast cancer awareness theme and I also would like to see a pony made in remembrance of those who have died and those who have survived and those who fight the battle everyday!!
Deanna
30
AM
Personally I would ask them “what they are smoken” and if they will share it…..
5
AM
bring back hanging….